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Post by chitshoveler on Apr 11, 2006 20:36:51 GMT -5
good one flaggy
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Post by flaggy on Apr 27, 2006 8:43:52 GMT -5
A man walks out of a bar and he is stumbling all over the parking lot trying his keys is several different cars until he finally finds his car, all the while he is doing this a cop is watching him from a parking lot across the street. In the mean time since it was bar time almost all the patrons had left, but the cop was only interested in the one man who was apparently very drunk, now as soon as the man started his car he weaved all over the place and as soon as he made it onto the road the cop pulled him over and asked the man to get out of his car for a Field sobriety test and to the cops surprise the man passed ever test even the Breathalyzer with flying colors, so the cop asks the man what the hell is going on and the man replies tonight is my turn to be the decoy!
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Post by eliottjanz on Jul 12, 2006 12:04:20 GMT -5
Okay this one may have been said:
Q: ;DWhat time is bedtime at michael jacksons house? ;D
(PUNCH LINE) A: ;DWHEN THE BIG HAND TOUCHES THE LITTLE HAND ;D lol
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Post by cookie on Aug 18, 2006 20:43:57 GMT -5
a woman needs 4 animals in her life... a jaguar in the garage.... a mink around her shoulders ...... a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for it all.......
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She Rocks
Backup Singer
pickle pickle and the pickles
Posts: 196
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Post by She Rocks on Aug 29, 2006 0:06:59 GMT -5
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.
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She Rocks
Backup Singer
pickle pickle and the pickles
Posts: 196
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Post by She Rocks on Aug 29, 2006 0:12:54 GMT -5
beware...latest scam out there
I don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 30 year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.
It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow. I'm running out of purses....
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Post by flaggy on Nov 7, 2006 22:44:29 GMT -5
Best Joke of the year
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.....
Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!"
The passer-by says.... "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says.... "I no American, I Vietnamese
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled he asks her......"Where are all the Americans?"
T he Russian lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work!"
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Post by flaggy on Jan 31, 2007 12:28:29 GMT -5
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me . . . an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two-hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
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Post by Glenda Good Witch on Jan 31, 2007 22:04:10 GMT -5
> Redneck Mom > A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... > > "WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???" > "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that > question a > thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush > to find > seats. > > "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll > need all > your children's names." > "This ones my oldest - he is Leroy." > "OK, and who's next?" > "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." > The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the > oldest > four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest > girl, named > Leighroy! > > "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL > named > Leroy?" > Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to > get them out > of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for > dinner, I just > yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid > who's > running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's > the smartest > idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy." > > The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead > and says > tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole > bunch?" > > "I call them by their last names." > > > > ____________________________________________________________________________________ > Be a PS3 game guru. > Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at Yahoo! > Games. > videogames.yahoo.com/platform?platform=120121-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.432 / Virus Database: 268.17.17/661 - Release Date: 1/30/2007 11:30 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by Glenda Good Witch on Mar 5, 2007 14:35:19 GMT -5
Subject: Norwegian Ten Commandments I. Der's only one God, ya know.
II. Don't make that fish on yur mantle an idol.
III. Cussing ain't nice.
IV. Go to church even when yur up nort
V. Honor yur folks.
VI. Don't kill. Catch and release.
VII. Der is only one Lena for every Ole. Don't cheat.
VIII. If it ain't yer lutefisk, don't take it.
IX. Don't be braggin bout how much snow ya shoveled.
X. Keep yur mind off yur neighbor's hotdish.
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splent
Road Manager
All I need is a TV Show, That and the Radio
Posts: 122
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Post by splent on Mar 11, 2007 12:41:29 GMT -5
Heard this one at choir practice:
A man's uncle was visiting this country from Scotland, so he decided to take him to a baseball game. Now remember, in Scotland they play cricket. Well the first batter goes up, and it was a wild pitch. The Scot yells "RUN! RUN LADDIE!" His nephew says "No he can't run. Hold on." The next pitch was wide left. "RUN! RUN LADDIE!" "Uncle he can't run yet! Calm down." The third pitch almost hit the batter. "RUN! RUN LADDIE!" "Uncle he has to hit it in order to run." The fourth pitch was also a ball, and the runner tossed his bat and started walking to base. "RUN! RUN LADDIE!" The nephew replied "Uncle, he has to walk, he got four balls."
"Walk with pride, laddie!"
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Post by Glinda Good Witch on Jun 29, 2007 17:36:21 GMT -5
Affordable wine
I know that we all need to buy affordable wine, so I thought I should pass this information.
Wal-Mart announced that, on March 1, 2007, it began offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to purchase the Wal-Mart brand, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas. She went on to say: "But the right name is very important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal -Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's Not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
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Post by Glinda Good Witch on Oct 27, 2007 21:24:21 GMT -5
The cabbie and the Nun..... perfect for Halloween! ;D
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' ; ; The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
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