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Post by flaggy on Mar 12, 2006 23:41:48 GMT -5
Lets hear your best joke!
Here is one to start it off ;D
Two guys were discussing attitudes about sex,marriage and family values. The first man said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you" "I'm not sure," the second replied. "What was her maiden name?"
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grumpy
New Member
EX-Audio Guru
Posts: 13
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Post by grumpy on Mar 13, 2006 18:43:37 GMT -5
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"
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She Rocks
Backup Singer
pickle pickle and the pickles
Posts: 196
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Post by She Rocks on Mar 13, 2006 19:46:22 GMT -5
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'
'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'
'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'
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Post by Kellman on Mar 13, 2006 20:02:29 GMT -5
We always hear “the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Post by Kellman on Mar 13, 2006 20:11:35 GMT -5
A guy walks into a sleazy bar orders a drink and after a while he tells the barmaid, “you should get your belly button pierced,” and she says; “why would I want to do that?” And he says it’s a great place to hang an air freshener.
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She Rocks
Backup Singer
pickle pickle and the pickles
Posts: 196
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Post by She Rocks on Mar 13, 2006 20:17:13 GMT -5
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver:
it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
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Post by chitshoveler on Mar 13, 2006 23:00:38 GMT -5
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars that needed to be exchanged, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I choose the shortest line, just one guy ahead of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla for 500 yen. Today I get hunat eighty dolla?" The teller says.. "Fluctuations." The Asian says, " Fluc you white guys too."
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Post by flaggy on Mar 14, 2006 0:16:49 GMT -5
A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp and picks it up and begins to wipe the sand off, low and behold a genie appears and says, you can have 3 wishes, but there is a catch ...every thing you wish for your mother in law will get double. The man thinks carefully and says wish one, 10 million dollars, and the genie says remember your mother in law gets double, and the man says I know I know. Wish two, A Rolls Royce and once again the genie says remember your mother in law gets double and the man says I know I know. And finally my third wish, beat me half to death!
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She Rocks
Backup Singer
pickle pickle and the pickles
Posts: 196
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Post by She Rocks on Mar 14, 2006 19:00:10 GMT -5
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Post by flaggy on Mar 16, 2006 23:27:08 GMT -5
A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
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Post by eliottjanz on Mar 22, 2006 17:01:50 GMT -5
Why did the packer player go to the bank?
He wanted a quarterback ;D
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splent
Road Manager
All I need is a TV Show, That and the Radio
Posts: 122
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Post by splent on Mar 25, 2006 10:54:24 GMT -5
How Cold Is It?
60 above Arizonans wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. Wisconsin people sunbathe.
50 above New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Wisconsin people plant gardens.
40 above Italian cars won't start. Wisconsin people drive with the windows down.
32 above Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above Arizonans shiver uncontrollably. Wisconsin people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above New York landlords finally turn on the heat. Wisconsin people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 - Californians fly away to Mexico. Wisconsin people lick a flagpole.
20 below People in Miami cease to exist. Wisconsin people get out their winter coats.
40 below Hollywood disintegrates. Wisconsin's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Wisconsin's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Wisconsin people rent some videos.
100 below Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Wisconsin people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below Microbial life survives on dairy products. Wisconsin cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below ALL atomic motion stops. Wisconsin people start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below Hell freezes over. The Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl.
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Post by flaggy on Mar 27, 2006 23:49:29 GMT -5
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud Pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the Morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a Push," he answers.
"Di! d you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is Pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help Him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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Post by flaggy on Apr 2, 2006 20:10:27 GMT -5
Why does a dog lick his dick......
Cuz he can't make a fist!
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Post by flaggy on Apr 9, 2006 21:00:04 GMT -5
A Soldier and a Nun A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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